just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
