So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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