I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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