If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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