you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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