He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
