dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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