you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
