I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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