Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
