My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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