first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
