First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
