I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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