I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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