i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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