she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
