If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
