Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
