I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
