Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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