This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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