I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
