I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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