Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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