I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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