OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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