i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
