I'm gonna have a badass scar
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
