1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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