dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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