i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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