I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
