Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
