I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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