so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
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note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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