Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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