I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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