Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
