So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
