All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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