Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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