Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
