coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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