We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
