I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
