No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
