I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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