if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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