3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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