Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
