nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
