Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
