he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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