Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
