You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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