I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think pants incapable of making pants work
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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