Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
