Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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